Sometimes, i really wonder how come relationships between people are so fragile. Any relationships be it love or friendship or even kinship just one or two things will tear them apart. The things are money or even fame. Why is it that somepeople can quarrel with their friends or even spoilt the relationship coz they are greedy for money? Why cant relationships last?
Recently i have been through a tough pact, i guessed you all have already known by now that my boyfriend has just broken up with me and we have been together for a year. I reread my diary and realized that actually last year we already have quarrels and that actually already revealed a bit of how he is like. He expects highly of me, but i didnt see it coming. I thought he accepted me for who i am. Friends will know that i am a very lazy person and all my other flaws and he already knew it when he was chasing after me. MAybe he thought that he could changed me so he get together with me. But this seems not the case, coz he tries to change me and i try very hard to change but then you know its hard but at least i have tried and he notices that. But if you want to change all of me, then seriously just find another one who suits you. Otherwise just accept me coz you choose me yourself.
It seems that he cant accept me for the way i look coz he finds me plump i have been plump that way little wonder how come he doesnt think i am plump when he is chasing after me. My self-esteem level has gone down since being together with him coz i have been sccumbing myself to all his crticisms yes all of them coz i value what he says. Its only through my colleagues and friends that boost my confidence. I always feel stupid and low in front of him either its coz i think that way or coz he makes me feel that way anyway its all in the past.
Memories of us being together are still vivid in my mind coz we have been together for a year. For him, i will not know and will never know. I cherished our relationship even though we might have frequent quarrels and stuff but yet i wont break off with him coz i believed that one day we can overcome this obstacle and by that time we would not quarrel again. I am a very determined and positive person i perserve and will not sccumb to obstacle. He broke up with me once before and i persuaded him to try it out again and he did. I once told him that if we are still not suitable and you want to break, i will let you go, so i granted him his wish and i will not ask him back neither will i go and find him.
He made a choice and i think it is between his career or rather ambition and me. He choose the former cause he says i am his burden. Burden? HAHHAHA i dont know but anyway he said it and it hurts deep and leaves a cut in my heart and no matter what amount of words he say or do wont heal it.
My relatives came today and they asked me why he break off, i dont even know how to answer them cause he says he break off with me cause we are not suitable and he says i am his burden and he says he dont love me anymore. Which one is it? Neither? Or All of them? I dont know and you dont know either, in fact noone will except he himself. But i believe that he will not say.
When i asked him to tell me honestly whether or not he still loves me he says no but i have a place in his heart. I really do not understand what a place in his heart meant. Does it mean that he used to love me before but not now? Or that he loves me deep enough to keep me in his heart and that he still loves me now and that noone can replace that place? Or what???? I dont know and i really wish to know. Questions and questions run through my mind however it is unanswered. He once told me that i will always have a place in his heart no matter wat. Maybe just to fufill his words? I dont know.
A lot of people think that he choose to break off coz there is a third party involved. I asked him and he says no. I give him the benefit of the doubt even though he break off with me and by right, i shouldnt trust him anymore, but i choose to trust that he is not lying to me when he says that there is no third party involved.
Anyway he choosed to remain as friends with me and i give in to him but he seems to be keeping a distance from me and i dont like that sort of feeling, so i told him that i am sorry but i cant be friends with your type of person. I know i am being bad, but then i am saving the embarrassment. So what if we are friends? We wont be that close we will only be hi bye friens so whats the diff?
When he broke up with me, i cried for that whole one day and then after that i stopped. Yes i only cried for a day. You may all think that i dont feel anything how can a relationship that lasted for a year only hurt me enough to make me cry for a day? Well, i just think that it is not worth it. If a man break up with you or even a woman break up with you and he/she is cruel enough to do that knowing you will cry and will be very hurt. They already know that you will be very hurt yet they still do it to you, so most likely they do not love you anymore or maybe not that much, coz if they do why will they be so cruel?
I just feel that no matter how much tears i have shed or whatever i have done wont make them come back. Or maybe u done something to win them back but whats the use? Cause they choose to break up with you and you asked them back they may come back to you coz they pity you or coz they couldnt find a partner. If they really love you and want you back, they will find you by themselves. Up till now, he has not contacted me, yes you heard me right and i think he wont.
Anyway, let fate decided, i once think that he and i are fated to meet coz we are really fated but maybe we are just not meant to be together. Maybe i owed him in his past life and i have repaied him up till here and so he has to go. In any case, i sincerely hope that he will be happy and that he will find his true love one day. As for me? I wont be going into relationships for the period of time and i guessed i wouldnt be finding my love. I just let it occur naturally and i believe love will enter when the time is right. I also believe that there is true love in this world and i can definetly find my soul mate.
You can either choose to live happy or miserable so why not choose to live happily? 
THe world will be a better place and you will feel good and look good and maybe you will discover something new.
May buddha bless all with happiness and may true love comes to all singles and couples.
